Today Post::DJ AM's Beverly Hills House Hits the Market

SELLER: DJ AM
LOCATION: Anthony Place, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $3,795,000
SIZE: 3,375 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private and gated mid-century located on a cul-de-sac street with canyon and city views, rich mahogany floors, custom built-in theater, Crestron system and flat screen TV’s throughout, two-sided fireplace, office, large kitchen with stainless steel appliances and carrerra marble countertops, four bedrooms and 4 and one-half baths, open floor plan looks! out to lushly landscaped backyard with pool and spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was only in late August of 2009 that Adam Goldstein–better known as DJ AM–was found dead of an accidental drug overdose in his New York City apartment. The formerly fat celebrity DJ battled both weight and drug addiction in his youth, but had slimmed down and been sober for well over ten years before slipping down the sad and slippery slope of crack cocaine in the days before his death. Some reports have speculated that AM picked up the pipe because he was all kinds of broken up over his alleged bust up with model Hayley Wood. Other reports speculate that AM was still saddled with the weighty psychological residue of the September 2008 Learjet crash which killed four people and left AM and his friend/collaborator Travis Barker seriously injured. Whatever the reasons, the celebrity spinner was well-liked by all those! who knew him, including Your Mama who became friendly–but not friends–with AM after we dished on the purchase of his house in Beverly Hills, CA back in April of 2007.

It is this house, located way up in the Hills of Beverly on Anthony Place we would like to discuss again because it was recently listed–presumably by the executor of his estate–with an asking price of $3,795,000. Property records and a little inside information from a Beverly Hills real estate insider indicates to Your Mama that the single story residence was purchased by AM in June of 2006. This was just before he and Nicole Richie broke up and before he took up with actress Mandy Moore. Property records and information provided to Your Mama by our Beverly Hills real estate insider reveals AM forked over $3,225,000 for the approximately 3,375 square foot residence.

At the time of the purchase, the walled and gated residence had been renovated but it appears to Your Mama that AM made a few aesthetic tweaks to both the interior and the exterior which included some new landscaping at the front of the house and around the swimming pool and wrapping wood around the top portion of the double sided fireplace in the living room.

The glass front door opens to the entrance hall which leads to the main living space, comprised of an open plan living/dining area with gorgeous, shiny mahogany floors, a flat screen tee-vee mounted above the fireplace and wood framed sliding doors that open to the pool terrace. The large eat-in kitchen has a built in breakfast table, mac-daddy appliances including an 6-burner Viking range with a griddle, and sleek, and flat fronted chocolate brown cabinetry topped by Carrara marble counter tops. Not the most practical choice those counter tops, but golly they look nice, don’t they?

AM’s home office, located off the entrance hall at the front of the house, shares the double sided fireplace with the living room and includes a full wall of book shelves and another wall mounted flat screen tee-vee. The custom built theater has been outfitted with a gigantic movie screen, a chocolate brown coffered ceiling, cocoa colored suede walls and seven very plush looking chocolate brown reclining leather seats.

A long hallway lined with built in bookshelves along one side leads to the bedrooms, each of which appears to have a private pooper. The modestly sized master suite, which has custom fitted closets where AM probably kept at least some of his 600+ pairs of sneakers, has been decorated in various shades of brown and beige and includes more of those amazing mahogany floors and a muscular, clean-lined bed with an upholstered headboard, overhead lighting and a thick cabinet at the foot of the bed out of which glides a flat screen tee-vee at the touch of the button. We don’t have any idea what AM watched on his tee-vee while lounging in his bed, but we always think of these sorts of boob-toobs that rise mysteriously from the foot of the bed as being a porn fanatics dream tee-vee.

The back of the house opens to the wee back yard which has a small, multi-sided swimming pool, a spa and long views down the canyons, over the city of Beverly Hills and towards the towers of Century City. More photos of AM’s crisp and clean hideaway can be seen here.

With the blessing of AM’s family, MTV decided to begin post-humously air the 8-episode Intervention-like reality tee-vee program called Gone Too Far that AM wrapped just days before his death. The program, hosted by AM, began airing on October 12 and focuses on the lives and struggles of young addicts.

Property records reveal that the New York City condo where DJ AM died–located on the 7th floor of a glassy Richard Gluckman designed building on Lafayette Street–was purchased by the super successful scratcher in November of 2007 for $1,995,000. The apartment is not currently listed for sale on the open market, but Your Mama has to assume it won’t be long before that place is also put up for sale.

RIP DJ AM.

Today Post::The problem with Goldman bonuses

Beyond the generic problem that bonuses are usually based on an un-risk-adjusted IRR, the problem with bonus for banks in general, and Goldman in particular, is that the government is backing short-term bank borrowing, and so banks can borrow at very depressed rates and make a lot of money on spreads. This seems more like playing the government than playing the market.

Today Post::Two Great Bounces! - November 06 2009

The following charts provide a simple comparison between the big stock bounce that occurred in the wake of the DOW crash of 1929 and the bounce we are seeing today in the S&P 500 index.

The method of alignment was simple… take the first definitive up trading day off the bottom of the preceding bear market low and set that as the start of the series… then simply re-base both series to a value of 100 so that they can be compared side-by-side.

The lower bar chart plots the cumulative percentage change since the start of each bounce.

The S&P 500 is up over 48% in a little over 160 trading days… an historically aggressive run with an obvious note of mania to it… and wholly comparable to… even far stronger than… the price movement seen in the 1930s-era DOW rally.

At this point for the 30s-era DOW, the bull-run was over as the bear trend resumed in earnest… today though the Bull is seriously on the move… how long will this boom last?

Only time will tell… But for now, let's continue to keep a watchful eye…

Today Post::Fighting the last war

At the ULI meetings, I am hearing that banks are not willing to repeat their behavior in the last down market (the early 1990s): they are afraid that if they sell their assets–commercial real estate loans–at a discount, they will miss out on upside opportunity. Instead, they are “extending and pretending,” in the hope that values will rebound to levels above mortgage balances. I overheard one person say, “cap rates have to go back down again. right?”

Not necessarily. This paper by Phillip Connor and Yougo Lang shows that cap rates tend to stay in the eight range over the long term–to think they will return to the fives is almost certainly unrealistic. Even if net operating income had stayed constant–and it has fallen–the increase in cap rates from 5 to 8 implies a 37.5 percent reduction in value. It is going to be a long time before loans with LTVs at origination in excess of 75 percent will be right-side-up again.

Today Post::On The Margin: Total Unemployment October 2009

Today's Employment Situation report showed that in September "total unemployment" jumped to 17.5% of the civilian population or 41.4 million people.

The traditional unemployment rate is calculated from the monthly household survey results using a fairly explicit qualification of "unemployed" (essentially unemployed and currently looking for full time employment) leaving many workers to be considered effectively "on the margin" either employed in part time work when full time is preferred or simply unemployed and no longer looking for work.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics considers "marginally attached" workers (including discouraged workers) and persons who have settled for part time employment to be "underutilized" labor.

The broadest view of unemployment would include both traditionally unemployed workers and all other underutilized workers.

To calculate the "total" rate of unemployment we would simply use this larger group rather than the smaller and more restrictive "unemployed" group used in the traditional unemployment rate calculation.

Below is a chart (click for larger version) showing the "total" unemployment rate versus the "traditional" unemployment rate along with the year-over-year percent change to the "total" unemployment rate.

Notice that the "total" unemployment rate jumped 45.83% on a year-over-year basis while the spread between the "traditional" and "total" unemployment rates now stands at 7.3%.

The chart below (click for larger) calculates the spread between the "total" unemployment rate and the "traditional" unemployment rate.

Today Post::Michael Bay Buys in Bel Air

BUYER: Michael Bay
LOCATION: Bel Air Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $10,900,000
SIZE: 3 parcels, 4.93 acres, 6,067 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms.
DESCRIPTION: Rare opportunity to purchase over 4.9 acres on 3 parcels in prime lower Bel Air with existing 1 story house and ample usable land. Main residence has spacious entertaining rms overlooking spectacular city & cyn views and includes 2 bedroom suites and maids. There are three additional detached structures for staff totaling 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Private grounds with pool & championship sunk! en tennis court. The possibilities are endless to maintain, build up or build a new estate altogether.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Late last night, just before Your Mama was fixin’ to slather our face with cold cream and put our lotion gloves on in preparation for bed, we received a brief covert communique from an anonymous source whom we’ll call Natalie Noname. According to Ms. Noname, producer/director Michael Bay recently bought a house on Bel Air Road that he is in the process of knocking down so that he can build something new, bigger, better or whatever.

Chisel chinned Mister Bay got his start in Tinseltown directing commercials and music videos for folks like Meat Loaf, Wilson Phillips and Donny Osmond. He busted into the film world in the mid-1990s with two hugely successful action flicks, Bad Boys and The Rock and has gone on to become –for better or worse–the man responsible for producing such cinematic gems as Pearl Harbor, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hitcher, The Unborn and, of course, the wildly successful money minting movies that are the Transformers franchise.

Property records do indeed confirm at least part of what Natalie Noname told us which is that Mister Bay forked over $10,900,000 for a 4.93 acre, 3-parcel property on super swank lower Bel Air Road. What Your Mama does not know, of course, is what Mister Bay’s destruction and construction plans might be although Ms. Noname told us that at least some portion of the car port at the front of the property has already been razed to make way for some heavy equipment.

As best as we can tell, the property was listed with a much higher asking price of $18,250,000 and was purchased from the estate of big time philanthropist and recently deceased gal about Los Angeles Marion Jorgensen.

A little Hollywood meets real estate history lesson here: Ms. Jorgensen, born rich, was married to producer Milton Bren (Topper, There Goes My Heart, Wyoming, Barnacle Bill and etc.) way back in the golden days of early Hollywood. Marion and Milton went splitsville in the mid 1940s but not before they produced two sons, one of whom is Donald Bren, the multi-billionaire real estate mogul and sole owner of the Irvine Company whose primary holding is the 93,000 acre Irvine Ranch which encompasses more than 20% of all the land in Orange County, CA. Mister Bren went on to marry the “Queen of Film Noir,” Oscar winning actress Claire Trevor (Dead End, Key Largo, The High and the Mighty and etc.), and ex-Missus Bren went on to become Missus Jorgensen in 1953 when she married steel magnate Earle Jorgensen who was a member of Ronald Reagan’s White House kitchen cabinet, a group of unofficial but! influential advisors to the president. But we digress…

Mister Bay’s new property sits on its own promontory with sweeping views of Los Angeles. The current house, a sprawling single story contemporary built in 1951, wraps around a vast motor court accessed through two electronically controlled gates. According to listing information, the main house measures 6,067 square feet and includes two bedrooms, 2.5 poopers, plus a staff suite with private pooper. There are, according to listing information, three additional detached structures which contain 4 more bedrooms and 4 more poopers for staff bringing the total count to 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms.

The front facade of the main house and accessory buildings surround a vast motor court on three sides and at the back, the house wraps around a terrace with an in-ground, free form swimming pool. There are well tended but somewhat old fashioned gardens an a properly oriented sunken tennis court. However, if what Ms. Noname says is true and Mister Bay is planning to tear the house down, the details of the house and landscaping matter little since they’ll soon enough be replaced with something Herculean that is a tangible expression of his ego and more suitable to his own real estate tastes.

Mister Bay’s new neighbors will include Salma Hayak and her wildly rich French biznessman husband Henri Pinault who live in one of Kelsey Grammar’s many former homes, the decrepit but but still dee-voon Dame Elizabeth Taylor, Kirk Kekorian’s first ex-wife Jean, billionaire media mogul Gerald Perenchio, swimsuit model turned ack-tress Cheryl Tiegs, and soft porn purveyor Joe Francis, just to name a few.

Curiously, Mister Bay already owns two other properties in Los Angeles. Property records reveal that in April of 1999 he paid $5,160,000 for a big house on Stradella Road in Bel Air and in November of 2005 he scooped up a 3 bedroom and 4 pooper property on Chalon Road in Brentwood. Mister Bay also owns 17,339 square foot mansion on N. Bay Road in Miami, FL that he bought from Hulk Hogan in August of 2007 for $17,000,000 and, apparently having had a real estate change of heart, quickly flipped it back on the market. The 11 bedroom and 11.5 pooper waterfront extravaganza remains on the market with an asking price of $18,900,000.

Today Post::UPDATE: Anderson Cooper

Okay lambs, yesterday Your Mama discussed and dissected the raging rumor racing through that gay streets of New York City that hunky and virtually hairless CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper had gone and bought himself a damn firehouse on West 3rd Street. Property records show that the old Fire Patrol House No. 2 was sold in early September of 2009 for $4,300,000.

Most of the rumors–including the ones repeated by Your Mama–have included some kind of speculation and scuttlebutt about Mister Cooper’s possible plans to share the very butch four and some story building with man-friend Ben Maisani, a muscular piece of man candy who co-owns a down and duurr-tee East Village gay bar called Eastern Bloc.

Well chickens, today we received a covert communique from a ladee we’ll call Lehteeseeuh Littlebird, a well connected informant who has provided Your Mama with juicy–and accurate–information in the past regarding the real estate doings of celebs. Lehteeseeuh, always so thoughtful and articulate, tweet, tweet, tweeted in Your Mama’s ear that our Mister Cooper has in fact shown certain persons photos of the firehouse in question and declared his intention to sell his midtown penthouse apartment on West 38th Street and live in said firehouse downtown. Who Mister Cooper might live with, or not live with, remains a mystery which we imagine is just about how he likes it.

Take that for what you will children, but you should know that lovely Lehteeseeuh has never steered Your Mama down a dead end street nor given us any reason to doubt the veracity of her whispered words.

Today Post::Bubble=?UTF-8?B?4oCZ?=s Bounce Then Bust Again!

Against the backdrop of historically low interest rates and government stimulation, participants in property markets in both the United States and the United Kingdom responded with nothing short of jubilance.

Whereas pessimism was the leading dynamic for the majority of 2008, it seems that the Spring of 2009 brought a renewal of housing euphoria, though in a more limited and fragile sense.

In the U.S., the first time "homebuyer" tax credit, the "cash for clunkers" of housing, provided significant stimulation on the lower end, driving sales and a noteworthy bounce in prices.

In the U.K., the lowest interest rates in most peoples’ lifetimes taken together with significantly corrected prices provided the impetus for a notable price bounce as well.

But how long can this stimulation last and what will happen if it doesn't?

Now is where the rubber meets the road.

The most recent data is showing signs that the euphoric bounce is drawing to a close.

The Radar Logic home price indices clearly show that the U.S. home price bounce has topped out and is now fully in decline even in some of the worst hit markets where prices have already dropped back to levels not seen in at least a decade.

While the "Nationwide" series, one of the leading U.K. housing market indices, showed the first year-over-year increase in 18 months, on a month-to-month basis prices hardly moved from September while the "Halifax" series followed suit.

The S&P/Case-Shiller Composite 10 series, a comparable series to both of the U.K. series, is also showing that the rate of house price inflation is slowing on a month-to-month basis while remaining strongly negative on a year-over-year basis.

What does it mean for all of these series to be moving together and leaning toward a posture of deflation?

It means the bounce is likely drawing to a close leaving intervening governments with a serious dilemma.

Today Post::Full Time Workers Fully Under Pressure

Today's employment situation report showed that things have taken a turn for the worse for full-time workers with the full-time unemployment level jumping to 13,901,000 workers or 11.1% of the civilian workforce, very near the highest rate seen in 41 years.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics considers full time workers to be those "who have expressed a desire to work full time (35 hours or more per week) or are on layoff from full-time jobs".

Full time jobless workers currently account for 88.5% of all unemployed workers.

Today Post::Two Great Bounces!

The following charts provide a simple comparison between the big stock bounce that occurred in the wake of the DOW crash of 1929 and the bounce we are seeing today in the S&P 500 index.

The method of alignment was simple… take the first definitive up trading day off the bottom of the preceding bear market low and set that as the start of the series… then simply re-base both series to a value of 100 so that they can be compared side-by-side.

The lower bar chart plots the cumulative percentage change since the start of each bounce.

The S&P 500 is up over 47% in a little over 160 trading days… an historically aggressive run with an obvious note of mania to it… and wholly comparable to… even far stronger than… the price movement seen in the 1930s-era DOW rally.

At this point for the 30s-era DOW, the bull-run was over as the bear trend resumed in earnest… today though the Bull is seriously on the move… how long will this boom last?

Only time will tell… But for now, let's continue to keep a watchful eye…

Today Post::Two Great Bounces! - November 04 2009

The following charts provide a simple comparison between the big stock bounce that occurred in the wake of the DOW crash of 1929 and the bounce we are seeing today in the S&P 500 index.

The method of alignment was simple… take the first definitive up trading day off the bottom of the preceding bear market low and set that as the start of the series… then simply re-base both series to a value of 100 so that they can be compared side-by-side.

The lower bar chart plots the cumulative percentage change since the start of each bounce.

The S&P 500 is up over 45% in a little over 160 trading days… an historically aggressive run with an obvious note of mania to it… and wholly comparable to… even far stronger than… the price movement seen in the 1930s-era DOW rally.

At this point for the 30s-era DOW, the bull-run was over as the bear trend resumed in earnest… today though the Bull is seriously on the move… how long will this boom last?

Only time will tell… But for now, let's continue to keep a watchful eye…

Today Post::Rumor Has It, But...

There are rumors beginning to circulate that the world’s most famous celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise has coughed up a booty clenching $18,000,000 for a locally famous house in San Francisco’s fearsomely foggy but dramatically gorgeous Sea Cliff neighborhood. It seems this bit of implausible property gossip got started early this morning when the fine folks at the fa-boo San Francisco centric Socketsite reported that one of their readers tipped them off to this bizarre bit of al! leged celebrity real estate bizness.

Does Your Mama even need to tell the children we are all kinds of skeptical? Tom Cruise. San Francisco? We’ll leave the snarky and sassy jabs and jokes for the children on this one. Don’t misunderstand butter beans, Your Mama left our heart and some other things in San Francisco about a hundred years ago and we still love that city by the bay. But Tom Cruise browsing the aisles at Cliff’s Variety on Castro? Pleeze.

Your Mama suspects the buyer is someone else entirely, someone with deep roots in San Francisco and the Bay Area. See if you can follow along chickens…

In March of 2000, Joan Waitt–the wife of tech tycoon Ted Waitt who founded a little company called Gateway–paid $13,100,000 for a mansion on swank Sea Cliff Avenue known as the Captain’s House. Her intentions were to merge it with the property she owned next door thus creating an expansive and uber-expensive cliff top compound. Like so many real estate fickle rich people, Missus Tech Tycoon changed her damn mind and hoisted the brick built beast back on the market in 2003 with an asking price of $23,500,000 where is languished without a price reduction for three long, long, loooong years. Eight million smackers in renovations–which unfortunately included covering the original beautiful brick with beige stucco–and 7 year! s later the price tag jumped to $25,900,000. It was later dropped to $22,000,000.

Jump forward to September of 2009 when property records show the 9,436 square foot mansion with 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers was fie-nuh-lee sold for $18,000,000. If the reported numbers are correct, a few flicks of the beads on our bejeweled abacus shows Missus Tech Tycoon lost several million big ones between the purchase price, renovations and carrying costs.

Being powerful wary of this rather wacky real estate rumor that the buyer is Tom “Jumps On Oprah’s Couches to Profess His Undying Love for Katie Holmes” Cruise, Your Mama had a long peep and a poke around the property records. We didn’t find Tom or Kate’s names, natch. What we did find is that the buyer is listed as Tawaraya, LLC. A few more minutes clicking and clacking on the keyboard of our trusty laptop and we discovered that Tawaraya is a super posh and searingly expensive, 300-year old ryokan–which is essentially a Japanese bed and breakfast sort of place–located in Kyoto. That’s Japan, babies.

A few more minutes with our fingers flying and we figure out that this Tawaraya, LLC links back to Howson & Simon CPAs, a super exclusive booteek accounting firm in Walnut Creek, CA that–according to FinancialBrowsers.com–caters to “a small number of ultra high net worth individuals.” One of those ultra high net worth individuals who lists Howson & Simon’s address on SEC filings–dated March of 2008–that Your Mama dug up on the interweb is none other than billionaire biznessman Larry Ellison. We can’t say with any authority that the buyer is Larry Ellison because we imagine there are at least several other wildly rich people in the Bay Area who use Howson & Simon’s services who might be inclined to spend eighteen million smackers on a house. However, it sort of makes sense when considering that Mister Ellison is a prolific collector of posh prop! erties and that his sprawling estate in Woodside, CA is, for all intents and purposes, all done up and worked over like a ryokan. Your Mama would not stake the lives of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly on it but we would also not be at all surprised to learn that the buyer is not Tom Cruise but rather Larry Ellison.

Anyhoo, moving on and for anyone who might care, Sea Cliff is the same neighborhood that wonderfully wacky Sharon Stone called home when she was married to newspaperman Phil Bronstein and where the not so wonderfully wacky Robin Williams–sorry kids, Your Mama finds him a mite creepy–currently owns a mansion on El Camino Del Mar.

Today Post::Reggie Bush Lists Party Pad in Los Angeles

SELLER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,099,000
SIZE: 4,831 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Explosive 360 degree jet liner views set the stage for this urban oasis. The ultimate in LA lifestyle &perfect for a celebrity, this 4 bed 5.5 bath masterpiece is sited at the end of a prime sunset strip cul-de-sac. The Incredible sexy master suite is on its own floor with his and her bathrooms, and a closet fit for a king. Elevator, 4 outdoor plasma TVs, glass pocket doors, plush state of the art Movie Theater & smar! t home technology is only the beginning of this 4831sf entertainers paradise.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago we discussed the Tinseltown condo that Kim “Big Booty” Kardashian hoisted on the market with an asking price of $1,099,000 and two days ago we discovered that her professional pigskinner man-friend Reggie Bush has also listed his Los Angeles residence with an obviously similar but much higher asking price of $5,099,000. Not surprisingly, the two properties are listed by the same real estate agent from Hilton and Hyland, the high-toned brokerage owned by Paris Hilton’s father that employs folks like Coley Lafoon–otherwise known as ex-Mister Anne Heche–and Million Dollar Listing’s hairtastic Chad Rogers.

As the children well know, Your Mama does not know–nor care to know–a football from a hockey stick. So we had to consult our ball crazy friend Fiona Trambeau to school us on what is what and who is who with this Reggie Bush. The first thing Fiona did was scold Your Mama for our athletic ignorance then she told us that young Mister Bush won himself a prestigious Heisman Trophy in 2005 while footballing at USC. He was, according to Fiona, drafted in 2006 by the New Orleans Saints where he makes serious cheddar working as a running back–whatever that is–and he also rakes in many millions more each year from lucrative endorsement deals.

Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty began dating back in 2007, which would have been shortly after her amateur porn moment with former lover Ray J., just before she bared her boobs and hairless beaver on the glossy pages of Playboy and about the same time her family’s utterly banal but perplexingly successful reality program Keeping Up With the Kardashians began airing. What a career our Miss Big Booty has, what a career indeed. Apparently, unbeknownst to Your Mama, Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty busted up in July of 2009. However, according to a “source close to the couple” who squealed like a pig to the people at People, the lovebirds recently reconciled after taking “a few months apart getting their priorities together and figuring out who they were as individuals so they can make it work together.” Oh, lo-ward have mercy, pleeze. Do pe! ople really do that, “figure out who they were as individuals?” What does that even mean? It sounds like something a pr flak floating a story to the tabs would say. We suspect there was much more to that story than these two finding themselves but, frankly, Your Mama does care any other relationship drama there might have been between these two.

What we do care about is their real estate activities, so let’s get back to the bidness at hand. Property records and previous reports reveal 24-year old Mister Bush bought his big house back in December of 2006. Records also show the impressively muscled man spent $4,700,000 on the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property located on Viewsite Terrace above curvy swervy and dangerous to drive Sunset Plaza Drive in the Hollywood Hills. The tax man’s records show the three story residence measures 3,837 square feet and has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms while listing information pegs it at a larger 4,831 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. We’re not sure why the discrepancies. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Since stumbling across the listing on the MLS, Your Mama has heard from several of our informants who had nothing but saucy, sassy and sharp tongued things to say about Mister Bush’s party pad. Junebug called it “campy” and went all wild-eyed with flabbergast over the red-suede elevator carriage that has Mister Bush’s initials stitched in gold colored thread on the back wall. Now that children, is klassy with a “k” if Your Mama ever saw it. Karla Worthington, another informant with intimate knowledge of all things real estate in the Sunset Plaza area, sniped to Your Mama that Mister Bush’s day-core screams “high ghetto.” Your Mama recognizes that is a viciously snide not to mention decidedly un-p.c. thing to say about Mister Bush’s taste in furniture and decorative accouterments, but we can well understand how those zebra print wing back chairs with short silver leafed feet in the living room could provoke strong! emotions in the decoratively sensitive. If we’re being nice, which we sometimes are, Your Mama would say the day-core smacks of a self-consciously pseudo-sexy high-roller suite at a mid-range Las Vegas hotel that would like to expand their clientele to wildly rich young people easily impressed with shiny objects, nightclub lighting and plasma tee-vees. Oh dear, that wasn’t very nice, was it?

Anyhoo, according to Junebug–who has been inside this house–the front door opens directly into the living room area–meaning no entry way whatsoever–where one is immediately confronted by those eyeball punishing zebra print wing back chairs with the short silver leaf legs that have been paired with a chunky mirrored cube coffee table, a silver leaf chest of drawers with a plasma tee-vee mounted on the wall behind it, a tufted white leather sofa, and a nappy looking white shag area rug. The cramped looking living room area has double height ceilings, a corner fireplace–on top of which sits Mister Bush’s Heisman Trophy–and opens directly onto the back yard through paneless wood framed French doors.

The dining room also opens to the back yard, has a large glassy chandelier that looks like something straight out of a Holiday Inn banquet room, and flows into the over-processed kitchen outfitted with grey cabinetry, a myriad of stainless steel appliances including side by side fridge and freezer–which we like– and a work island with a semi-circular breakfast bar where four bongo drum shaped bar stools sit on top of a red, rainbow shaped rug. Seriously folks, this mess is almost beyond words. Also on the lowest level, according to Junebug, is the black and red velvet theater room about which we do not have the energy to muster a comment.

The second floor has a glass floored mezzanine area over the living room–which could be a bit pornographic for any ladees or drag queens standing up there in a dress–and two bedrooms with private poopers. We do not even want to know what “fun” Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty have had with this glass floor. Seriously, don’t go there children, it’s nothing but ugly. The master suite, according to listing information, occupies the entire top floor and includes a somewhat triangular bedroom and sitting area with a fireplace, his and her poopers, a gigantic custom fitted walk in closet/dressing room and walls of glass that glide open to a wrap around terrace with gorgeous and glittery views of the carpet of lights that is LaLa Land below. One side of the master bedroom opens to a large deck that floats over the city and where, not surprisingly, Mister Bush installed a pool table and a wall mounted plasma tee-vee.

The petite but flat back yard consists of a pill shaped swimming pool and spa with flagstone coping sunk into a patch of grass surrounded by a deck that hovers over the hillside (and the house below). A fire pit has been sunk into the deck, there is a built in barbecue center, and three plasma tee-vees have been mounted on the back wall of the house. Honestly. This is the sort of backyard about which some people would probably use the word party as a verb as in, “Let’s party over at Reggie’s place.” Listen by little butter beans, as far as Your Mama is concerned the word party is a noun or an adjective and not a verb regardless of the dictionary claiming it can be used informally as a verb. Three plasmas mounted on an exterior wall seems like exactly the same thing as using the word party as a verb. Are y’all feeling what we’re getting at?

Fortunately Mister Bush is not selling his crib furnished because this very well may be a case where one must sift through the shit to find a diamond. The house is clearly not without its drawbacks and shortcomings such as the lack of a proper entry and that vulgar glass floor mezzanine bizness, but the location is convenient iffin you can stomach Sunset Plaza Drive after a few cocktails, the views are simply outrageous, the pooper to bedroom ratio is lovely, and it’s a total bonus to get this much flat space for a backyard in the hills above Sunset Boulevard.

As we mentioned during our discussion of Miss Big Booty’s condo in early October, we haven’t a clue why she and Mister Bush have both decided to list their homes at precisely the same time. We suspect that it is not a coincidence but, of course, Your Mama does not know a thing about their future real estate plans. Perhaps they’re looking for a family friendly house in Calabasas? Or maybe they’re considering packing up and moving to New Orleans? Who knows. Whatever they’re going to do, we would not be at all surprised to see it all aired on some tawdry and terrible reality television program just like the uninspiring lives of all the other “K” named Kardashian ladees–namely Kourtney and Khloe–that currently infect the boob-toob.

UPDATE: Since Your Mama discussed Mister Bush’s baller of a house, multiple reports have surfaced that quote an unnamed source who told the people at People that, “After they got back together they were both looking for new places and decided to take the next step in their relationship.”

Today Post::Lisa Marie Presley Lists Hidden Hills Hideaway

SELLER: Lisa Marie Presley

LOCATION: Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,995,000
SIZE: 8,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully & extensively remodeled & expanded in the exclusive guard-gated community of Hidden Hills is this 8,000 SF sprawling ranch home on over 3 acres of lush rolling lawns w/ orchards. In addition to the main house, consisting of 5 bdrms. 5.5 baths, this private complex also features 3 separate guest quarters, pool/spa w/ waterfall, barns/tack rooms & extensive extra parking. The home backs up to the Santa Monica Conservancy/Ahmanson Ranch which ensures privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, Your Mama and our boozy friend Fiona Trambeau been hunkered down the last few days at Chow and B.B. Lee’s colorful house in pleasantly progressive Minneapolis, MN. We’ve walked along the shore of the mighty Mississippi, marveled at The Guthrie, ate too much meat at Brassa and handed out mountains of candy to children dressed like mermaids and Minnie Mouses. But it’s time to wing our way back west to the Dr. Cooter, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our mean ol‘ pussy Sugar, and our insolent house gurl Svetlana which means we’re going to spend the better part of today sitting in airports and airplanes working the signs of the cross like nobody’s bizness hoping we don’t come down with the damn swine flu. And we’re not even Catholic or religious but that swine crap has us all kinds ! of irrationally petrified. Anyhoo, given our circumstances, we need be brief which, as the children know, ain’t easy for Your Mama who tend to prefer a more circuitous and long winded route.

Over the weekend, Your Mama received a covert communique from a gentleman we’ll call Fernando San Fernando who kindly told Your Mama off that singer/songwriter Lisa Marie Presley, the only daughter of the King of Rock and Roll and the ex-wife of the King of Pop–not to mention the ex-wife of actor Nic Cage and two other men–has listed her house in horsey Hidden Hills, CA with an asking price of $8,995,000. Within minutes we were able to obtain a listing–two listings, actually–for the estate. However, since first discussing the property we were contacted by a representative of Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood who tells us that the Princess of Rock and Roll “never authorized the images of her property to be posted on the MLS service or anywhere else. In fact, the piece of property is not currently for sale.” We’ll have to take him at his word on that and assume someone screwed up! big time. None the less…

Property records show that the four-times married celebrity Scientologist purchased her 3.14 acre, two-parcel compound located behind the gates of the star studded Hidden Hills community in December of 1993. The larger parcel with the main house was bought for $2,600,000 and the smaller one, according to property records, was scooped up for $625,000. This was shortly after her 25th birthday when she became the sole remaining heir to her late and great father’s estate and an extraordinarily rich woman in control of an expanding empire that includes Graceland, her famous and wildly decorated childhood home in Memphis, TN. Missus Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood sold the Elvis Presley estate–minus Graceland and the surrounding property, her father’s famous cars and other personal effects–to media mo! gul Robert F.X. Sillerman in 2004 for a reported “$53 million in cash, $22 million in stock in Sillerman’s new company, and the assumption of $25 million in debt.”

The unauthorized listing information, which is no longer available on the MLS, indicates that in addition to a main house that measures approximately 8,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers, Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood’s Long Valley Road compound also has 3 separate guest quarters, one of which is reportedly occupied by musician Danny Keough, her first huzband and the baby daddy of two of her four off-spring. Property records, on the other hand, show a main house that measures 7,077 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers and a second residence–located on a separate but adjacent parcel–that measures 2,842 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 poopers. Your Mama does not know why these discrepancies exist and we’re too tired and short of time to sort it all out. Suffice to say she’s got a b! ig ol‘ house with a good number of bedrooms and bathrooms and several guest houses with a good number more. Listing photos of the compound can still be be found here and here.

The main portion of the property includes a long, gated driveway, a parking lot sized motor court plus loads of additional parking, rolling lawns, a free form swimming pool and spa with a water fall and a water slide built in to a tumble of rocks (that Your Mama hopes are real rocks and not those horrid faux-stone things), numerous patios, terraces and covered porches and two of the three guest cottages, one on each end of the long house. The adjacent property, which has its own address, is accessed from Eldorado Meadow Road and includes a large guest house with its o! wn swimm ing pool, a large deck and stables. As far as Your Mama can tell by our completely unscientific overhead surveillance, the two properties are only connected through a couple of gates in the long fence that separates the properties. According to a well connected source with intimate knowledge of all things Hidden Hills whom we’ll call H.H. Tonguewagger, Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood is the only resident granted permission for a private security fence around her property. Apparently, according to H.H. Tonguewagger, the Hidden Hills by-laws or Home Owners Association–or whatever they have there–do not allow driveway gates or privacy/security fences on individual properties.

No longer available listing photos show that Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood does not share the same affection for carpeted kitchens, ceramic monkies, stained glass peacocks, and fur covered couches and in basement jungle rooms as her father did. Instead we find a dignified and expensive looking country style with antique rugs, a glossy grand piano and a car-sized crystal chandelier mixed with masculine leather sofas and chairs in the large wood beamed living room and a floral upholstered armchair and ottoman paired with a massive (mahogany?) bed, another car-sized crystal chandelier and dainty Louis the XV or XVI–or whatever–giltwood chairs and settees in t! he wood floored and vaulted beamed ceiling master bedroom. A l! ong brid ge-like hallway runs spine-like the length of the house on the second floor with clerestory window on two sides and a floral print runner on the wood floors.

The kitchen has multi-colored cabinetry with some sort of faux finish paint treatment with kooky boo-kays of flowers painted on to each of the upper cabinet doors as well as on the full sized fridge and freezers. This country style femininity in the cooker room isn’t exactly what Your Mama would have expected from a woman who we think of as a little butch (in the best sense of the word), but there it is, in full color.

Your Mama assumes that Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood has chosen to sell–or at least vacate–her long time California compound because she’s decided, according to recent reports, to relocate to the U.K. with her fourth huzband Michael Lockwood and their newly hatched twins.

Other notable residents of the Hidden Hills community include but are not limited to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Beverly Mitchell (she of 7th Heaven fame), and Melissa Etheridge and her ladee-mate Tammy Michaels.

It’s not apparent to Your Mama if Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood owns any other residences in the U-nited States besides her maybe for sale maybe not for sale Hidden Hills compound, but we do know that her mother, the formerly fabulous but unfortunately surgefied and illegally injected Priscilla Presley who was recently rumored to be “swapping spit” with toothy British tee-vee producer Nigel Lythgoe (So You Think You Can Dance), lives in a sprawling house on Summit Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.

Now then, it’s time to squeeze Fiona into her spandex traveling suit and get her to the airport where her customary and embarrassing demand for a cavity search will likely hold us up in security for at least an hour.

Today Post::Never thought I would live to see the day...

..that a politician would present a powerpoint that included a slide on the “lemons problem.”

The Vice-President of Taiwan, Vincent Siew, was discussing the problem of trying to get that country’s financial institutions to disgorge their bad assets. Amazing. No wonder it is such an impressive place.

Today Post::Frank and Jamie McCourt Have a Lot of Houses

By now, anyone and everyone who follows the money trail around Los Angeles knows there’s a War of the Roses about to erupt on the staid streets of the Holmby Hills where the dueling and dee-vorcing owners of the L.A. Dodgers Frank and Jamie McCourt own an impressive compound on Charing Cross Way.

For those who do not recognize their names, Mister and soon to be ex-Missus McCourt made piles of money developing commercial real estate in Boston, Mass. In 2004, they cashed out and purchased the L.A. Dodgers baseball franchise for a whopping $430,000,000.

Missus McCourt, an attorney with a Masters degree in business, was installed as vice-chairman and named president of the team in 2005. In March of 2009 she was promoted to CEO making her the highest-ranking woman in Major League Baseball earning $2,000,000 per year. Until last week, when her soon to be ex-huzband fired her.

The gory he said/she said details of Missus McCourt's termination are all over the interweb, but suffice to say she says it's unwarranted and he says she was insubordinate and that she was having an improper relationship with her bodyguard/driver. Your Mama does not know what is true and what is not true, but what we do know is that the people at gossip juggernaut TMZ managed to get a hold of the Petition for the Dissolution of Marriage filed by Jamie McCourt on October 27, 2009. How they do these things, we don’t know, but the document was not only posted on their site it was also forwarded to Your Mama by Sandy Spreadtheword. It t! ook us the better part of half a day and a pitcher of gin and tonic to read the 137-page document which details the couples accumulation of wealth, how they spend all that money and what kind of spousal support the soon to be ex-Missus McCourt is looking for.

By far the most interesting sections of the long document are those that detail the couple’s personal real estate holdings and the amounts of money required to maintain them. By our count, the McCourts maintain 7 private residences and own two more parcels of prime property on which they intended to build two more. Prior to moving to Los Angeles in 2004, the couple lived in Massachusetts so that seems a good place to begin a chronicle of their real estate lives based on information culled from public property records and the dee-vorce docs.

According to previous reports and property records, prior to moving west, Mister and Missus McCourt called a Brookline, Mass mansion home since 1993. As best as we can tell, the couple coughed up $4,500,000 for the 8,249 square foot Cottage Street estate that ballooned to a gargantuan 18,216 square feet. Records show that property was sold in August of 2007 for $16,000,000. Interestingly, and somewhat eccentrically, when they sold the property they reserved the right to remove the entire kitchen–lock, stock, and counter tops–if the kitchen was ever to be remodeled or the mansion torn down.

Like many moneyed people in Massachusetts, Mister and Missus McCourt and their four sons often spent vacations on Cape Cod. In the year 2000, the then happy couple dumped $19,500,000 for a 5-parcel ocean front estate on Main Street in the Village of Cotuit, MA that spans more than 90 acres and includes two private ponds.

The main house was built in 1909, measures 7,516 square feet and includes 10 bedrooms and 6.5 poopers. A second, smaller house on the property has another 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers which all adds up to an unlucky 13 bedrooms and 10 terlets in 8 full and 2 half poopers.

Court documents indicate the McCourts spent $605,000 on improvements to the property and that they have an $18,000,000 equity line of credit secured by two of their properties, this being one of them. Court documents also indicate that the massive estate is quietly being shopped around with a hair-raising asking price of $50,000,000. Considering they're into the place for just over twenty million smackers, a fifty million dollar sale–which Your Mama imagines is a bit of a pipe dream–would next them a mind boggling thirty million dollars.

Before buying the big estate on Cape Cod, in 1998, the erstwhile couple spent $775,000 on what is described in the dee-vorce docs as a "golf home" on Willowbend Drive in Mashpee, MA. The house contains a total of 9 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers, some of which according to the dee-vorce docs are in the finished basement.

Upon arriving in LaLa Land in 2004, they immediately cowed and wowed all the real estate people that fill the fancy offices on Cañon Drive in Bev Hills buy plunking down $21,250,000 for an estate on Charing Cross Road, directly across the street from the Playboy Mansion. Court documents reveal an additional $14,000,000 has been spent on improvements to property which included replacing the outdoor tennis court with an indoor Olympic size swimming pool that has its own pool house, sauna, steam room, shower, dressing room and massage room.

The post-renovation main manse,–their primary residence before busting up–now measures approximately 15,000 square feet and in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 10 poopers, there is also a fully-equipped work out room, a dance studio and guest quarters. The house also contains the kitchen from their Brookline mansion, which they spent $180,000 to remove and ship to California.

According to court documents, the monthly costs for the McCourt's massive Charing Cross Road mansion total a toe curling $202,716 and include $68,313 for decorating and furnishing, $29,997 for domestic staff, and $5,866 in utilities. Think about that for a few seconds my butter beans. Mister and Missus McCourt and paying more every month to keep their lights on and the lawn watered than most people make in a month. There is, according to records and court documents, an elephantine $13,800,000 mortgage on the property.

A few months after buying the Charing Cross Road residence, in November of 2004, the couple scooped up the property next door for $6,500,000. Their intention, according to dee-vorce docs, was to utilize the 8,385 square foot, 8 bedrooms and 10 pooper property as guest quarters. However, despite spending an additional $4,800,000 in basic improvements and architectural fees, the property has been used for little more than storage. There is no mortgage on the property. However, between the two Holmby Hills properties, according to court docs, the McCourts have spent a mouth drying $46,550,000. It's certainly not the ninety or so million Gary Winnick paid for his Bel Air spread, but it's none the less a heart stopping mound of moolah.

In July of 2007, the couple went a-searchin' for a Malee-boo beach house and found what they wanted in a swoopy John Lautner designed house on Carbon Beach for which they paid actors Courtney Cox and David Arquette $27,300,000. Since splitting with Frankie, Jamie has been occupying the Malibu residence exclusively. According to dee-vorce docs, the 4,486 square foot, 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper architectural tour de force costs $151,054 per month to maintain, most of which goes to property taxes and servicing a $16,500,000 mortgage.

A few months later, in January of 2008, the couple decided they needed more room at the beach and purchased the property next door to their dee-voon Lautner house. Records and court documents reveal they paid $19,000,000 for the 3 bedroom and 3 pooper property where their children and guests stay when visiting them at the beach. Because the soon to be ex-Missus McCourt is a swimmer, a lap pool is being installed at this property because the small pool at the Lautner next door is, apparently, not big enough for lap swimming. According to dee-vorce docs, this property swallows up $88,106 in monthly costs and was used to secure an $11,400,000 mortgage.

In 2004, about the same time they moved west, the property mad McCourts forked over $6,000,000 for a 3 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom condominium on East Core Creek Drive in Vail, CO. Although the condo was paid for with cold, hard cash, according to the dee-vorce docs, an $18,000,000 equity line of credit was secured with this condo and their Cape Cod compound as collateral.

The couple own two additional pieces of land on which they planned to build two more luxurious residences. In 2006, they spent $7,700,000 for unimproved property at the by invitation only Yellowstone Club in Montana. No house has been built on the property.

In late 2008, seemingly just before they called it quits, they spent $4,625,000 for a vacant parcel of land at the dee-luxe El Dorado Club in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. A residence for the property has been fully designed by not yet built.

A few flicks of the well-worn beads of our bejeweled abacus reveals that Mister and Missus McCourt have spent $167,050,000 on dee-luxe real estate for their personal and private use and are carrying a diarrhea inducing $59,700,000 in mortgages. How do y'all like them real estate apples?

In addition to chronicling their extensive real estate holdings, the dee-vorce docs also detail the couples lavish monthly expenses which include 24/7 security at both their Holmby Hills home and their Malibu properties when they are in residence as well as racking up $6,870,000 in Net Jets costs in 2008 and 2009. According to Jamie and her forensics accountants, the couple's monthly household expenses total a staggering $760,209 which includes $538,029 in real estate related expenses, $55,782 per month in personal expenses, which we take to mean hair care, fresh flowers and other luxuries, $33,756 per month in expenses related to their four adult children–three of whom are currently attending Stanford University, charity donations in excess of $30,000 per month, and concierge health care services to the tune of nearly $90,000 per year.

Lo-word have mercy, Your Mama needs a nerve pill just thinking about monthly bills in excess of three-quarters of a million clams. Every. Damn. Month. Jeezis. Even Rich people have gotta understand that is a shocking amount of money in monthly bills.

Due to their profligate ways–which they appear to be able to well afford–Missus McCourt is asking the courts to grant her non-taxable spousal support to the tune of $320,967 if she is reinstated to her two million dollar per year job at the Dodgers or $487,634 if she is not reinstated.

Given that California is a community property state and given that Missus McCourt gave Mister McCourt $1,000 for his first bidness deal and given that Missus McCourt has been an integral part of the couple's wealth accumulation, it seems to Your Mama–who is not an attorney–that Jamie will not only be awarded stunning sums of money in monthly spousal support but will also end up owning half of the couple's assets.

Whatever happens, expect the dirty details of their dee-vorce to be played out in the media.

Today Post::Bull Trip?!: GDP Report Q3 2009 (Advance)

Today, the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) released their first installment of the Q3 2009 GDP report showing that the economy expanded Q3 with GDP increasing at an annual rate of 3.5% from Q2.

Although these results will likely boost confidence among Wall Street speculators and gamblers and provide solid evidence to the feds that all their "hard work" has paid off, a closer inspection of the data reveals some seriously questionable statistics.

First, residential fixed investment (i.e. investment in residential properties) increased at an annual rate of 23.4% from Q2, a faster rate of growth than in any quarter since Q1 1998… i.e. faster rate of residential real estate investment than any quarter in any of the roughly 10 years of housing boom.

Non-residential fixed investment decreased at an annual rate of only 2.5% in the same quarter that saw commercial real estate prices decline at their fastest annual rate in at least 20 years while vacancies increased and rents declined.

Durable goods increased at an annual rate of 22.3% nearly all the result of the government's one time sham "Cash for Clunkers" program.

Finally, Real personal consumption increased at an annual rate of 3.4% on "Cash for Clunkers" while real personal income declined $15.5 billion and real personal current taxes increased $4.8 billion resulting in a 3.4% decline to real disposable personal income… so real incomes declined 3.4% yet real consumption increased 3.4%.

Without the clunker stimulus, the supposed pop in fixed residential investment and the strength in fixed non-residential investment today's number GDP result would have been flat at best.

Today Post::Colin Hanks the Younger Buys Modest Casa

BUYER: Colin Hanks
LOCATION: Hollyridge Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,025,000
SIZE: 1,560 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 1.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magical Spanish-style home designed by famed architect Paul R. Williams. Located on desirable Hollyridge Loop, the residence is situated on a knoll behind a gate for privacy. This house features a large open living rm w/ hi ceilings, fireplace & banks of windows, FDR & sunny kitchen. A few steps up lead to the 2 bedrooms, each w/ en-suite baths & the library/den which opens outside. The! re is also a separate studio. The property consists of lovely grassy gardens, tranquil patio spaces & views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Some siblings and offspring of Tinseltown types grab hold of their famous family member’s coattails and milk their fame for all it’s worth. They pine for publicity and make secret deals with the paps so they can get their pix in the tabs. They frequent all the star-studded hot spots in Hollywood and appear in reality tee-vee programs that often expose them as no-talent nepotists. Sometimes–for better or worse–their efforts to trade on the family name lead to fame and fortune as is the case with folks like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and her former bff Nicole Richie. For others, their story often ends in obscurity after their 15 minutes of fame evaporates like water in the desert. Those in this category might include Aliana Lohan, Brody Jenner, Sean Stewart, Ashlee Simpson and all the other Kardashian ladees not named Kim whom Your Mama! strongly recommends bank what they’re earning now because it is our humble and meaningless opinion that they are simply not interesting or talented enough to cultivate long term fame and fortune. Infamy? Maybe. Fame? Pleeze. No.

Then there are those that manage to forge their own way in the wicked world of Hollywood. Those might include peeps like Kate and Oliver Hudson, Tori Spelling, Rashida Jones, Tracee Ellis Ross and wild child turned earth mommy goddess Angelina Jolie. Listen children, Your Mama is not so stoopid that we don’t recognize there was most likely some amount connection making nepotism involved in the careers of each of these people. However, whether you like them or not, they have proven they are more than just the child of a celebrity by having resumes that does not include amateur porn videos.

Colin Hanks–the early thirties son of super star Tom and his first wifey Samantha Lewes–falls into the latter category and it him and his recent purchase of a decidedly un-celebrity style house in Los Angeles’ Bronson Canyon neighborhood that we’d like to discuss this afternoon. Mister Hanks the Younger started his own modest climb up the ladder of fame in the late 1990s when he appeared on the ill-fated UFO serious Roswell. He has gone on to make short arc appearances on The O.C., Mad Men, and Numb3rs on the boob toob as well as roles in films such as W, The House Bunny, My Mom’s New Boyfriend and King Kong. According to his growing resume on the IMDB, the younger Mister Hanks also has meaty roles in several upcoming films in which he’ll appear opposite big names like Adrien Brody, Jeffrey Tambour, Ann-! Margaret, and Chloë Sevigny.

Now then, let’s get down to property tacks. Property records show a 1926 Paul Williams designed Spanish style house on Hollyridge Drive was purchased in early October of 2009 for $1,025,000 through a trust that sounds like it was chosen by a Buddhist. A few clicks, clacks and inquiries on our trusty laptop lead to a covert communique from our nearly omniscient aide de camp Lucy Spillerguts who tells Your Mama that the buyer of the casa pequeña is indeed Colin Hanks, son of Tom. Listing information we received via Babbling Babette tells us the one story but two level casa measures a modest 1,560 square feet and includes just 2 bedrooms and 1.75 poopers.

The gated, white stucco and red tile roofed house sits atop a small knoll above the street where there is a detached 2 car garage. A meandering flight of brick stairs leads to the pergola shaded front door which opens directly into the living room which has wood floors, a wood burning fireplace, many paned windows and a gently arching, barrel vaulted ceiling. A small dining room with a high, peaked wood ceiling that mirrors the wood on the floor sits between the living room and the kitchen which has had a few updates (i.e. the stainless steel dishwasher) but is none the less all manner of hot mess. It appears the old, flat fronted cabinetry was stained a deep charcoal, which we like as an inexpensive alternative to all new and expensive cabinetry. However and sadly, Your Mama’s positive comments on the petite cooker end there. There is an old fashioned jalousie window above the sink and the counter tops are a vibrant, almost violent shade of tur-q! waze tile. In the right circumstances a case can be made for jalousie windows and vividly colored counter tops that scream, “EASTER!” Lo-ward knows Your Mama is drawn to bright colors like a vampire to blood but this tur-quaze in simply awful. It is not, the children will note, not the worst of the kitchen issues. Let’s begin with the insane placement of the dishwasher which when open prohibits use of the sink. Next might be what we fear is linoleum floor. And lastly, perhaps the most heinous of the bunch is that brown, built in relic of a range which just makes Your Mama’s blood boil with surly objection. Just like ev-er-ee body else, we are all for re-using and recycling, but this crazy cooking contraption drags that concept so far over the line it makes Your Mama need a damn nerve pill to settle our jumpy decorative sensibilities. Who thought it was a good idea to keep this th! ing in the kitchen? Seriously? Who?

In addition to the two bedrooms which, according to listing information, are located a few steps up from the main level and each have en-suite poopers including one in which marble counter tops have been laid on cabinetry from the 1950s, there is a library/den that opens to the rear garden through French doors. The terraced back yard has several flat seating areas including a long, narrow strip of lawn perfect for exercising long bodied bitches like our Linda and Beverly and a flag stone tiled terrace that provides a view of downtown L.A. from over the roof top and through an army of palm trees.

Your Mama has one last thing to say about Mister Hanks the Younger’s new crib: It’s always so refreshing to see someone who grew up the privileged and wildly rich child of one of the world’s most beloved and successful movie stars who none the less buys a lovely but small and unassuming house. Of course, this being Los Angeles, it’s still an insanely expensive house compared to houses in most parts of the country, but still… We’re certain Mister Hanks the Younger could have turned on the charm and squeezed a few more shekels out of Mister Hanks the Elder and bought something more lavish and celebrity style. But he did not. And that, my butter beans, is to the credit of his parents who, apparently, raised a son not saddled with the sort of sickening entitlement too many scions and siblings of Hollywood’s elite seem to suffer from.

Anyhoo, Mister Hanks the Younger’s new neighbors include Danny Masterson and his ladee-mate Bijou Phillips who purchased Chuck Berry’s former 5 bedroom and 4 pooper property directly across the street in June of 2007 for $2,995,000.

Today Post::Henry Simmons Lists Hollywood Hills Hideaway

SELLER: Henry Simmons
LOCATION: North Orange Grove Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,397,000
SIZE: 2,026 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Celebrity owned 3BR/2/5BA beautiful Mediterranean oasis updated w/ contemporary finishes throughout. Gated mini-compound graced w/ tropical grounds offering total privacy & located blocks from Sunset Strip & Runyon Canyon. Open floor plan is complimented by French doors, glass tiled fireplace, cozy library, high ceilings & dark wood floors. Remodeled kitchen connects to adjacent family room w/ vaul! ted ceilings. Master suite features walk-in closets, steam shower & tumbled marble complete w/ outdoor spa.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sat on the sofa all bug-eyed with mortification as as that poor Jeff Lewis from the Bravo’s Flipping Out program broke up with his bestie Ryan Brown right on national tee-vee. Love him or hate him children, that was genuine reality tee-vee. During the too many commercial breaks we multi-tasked and maximized our precious free time by combing through the new real estate listings in LaLa Land and it wasn’t long before we came across a house low down in the Hollywood Hills listed with an asking price of $1,397,000 described in the listing as “celebrity owned.”

Well, Your Mama does not have to tell you that our mouth went dry, our blood began to race and we immediately began sifting through the property records. Lo and behold and much to our chagrin, we came up empty handed. So we took a moment to regroup, watched the big lips of Jeff Lewis quiver in honest to goodness sadness and then took a few more minutes to peep and poke around the interweb, twisted our data inside out in the hopes our property record machinations would flush out the identity of the famous owner. But alas children, we wound up still empty handed. We next dashed off a quick missive to our always well informed aide de camp Lucy Spillerguts and waited patiently for her reply. Early this morning while sitting quietly with the I.V. machine slowly drip, drip, dripping caffeine directly into our sleepy veins, we received a succinct communique from our dear Lucy who swears on her new house that the property on N. Orange Grove Drive is owne! d by actor Henry Simmons.

No babies, we did not know who Mister Simmons was either until we Blackled his name and discovered the tall and dark drink of water has a long list of television credits that includes–but is not limited to–a couple of years on the legendary soap opera Another World in the late 1990s, more than 100 episodes of NYPD Blue during the early to mid 2000s and, from 2006-2008, he appeared in thirty some episodes on a show called Shark, a now canceled program that Your Mama had neither seen nor heard of.

Property records reveal that Mister Simmons scooped up his 2,026 square foot Mediterranean casa at the foot of the Hollywood Hills in November of 2003. It’s a wee bit unclear to Your Mama just how much money Mister Simmons paid for the property. One record we accessed shows a sale price of $1,120,0011 while another document we located shows $999,000. We’re really not sure why a purchase price discrepancy exists, but one does. Let’s just say Mister Simmons paid around a million clams for the property and call it a day.

Listing information indicates the walled, hedged and gated single story house includes 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers even though documents on file with the tax man say the house has only 2 full poopers. Again, we don’t know why all the documents don’t agree, but we’re going to go with listing information and say there are three terlits in two full and one half bathrooms.

The front of the house presents a number of different styles that include the classic ocher and red tile roof of a southern California Mediterranean, an almost Regency style bay window on the left side, and a lot of Zen-like bamboo-y plants that shield and obscure much of the front facade. It’s all a bit messy, but it sort of works in an organic food shopping, Prius driving, baby carriage left out in the front yard sort of way.

The interior of the 1922 house has been updated, upgraded and opened up to include wide openings between the living room and dining rooms as well as the dining room and the family room/kitchen at the back of the house. The living room has buttercup colored walls, dark chocolate wide plank floors and a wood burning fireplace with an ebony glass tile surround. Mister Simmons, clearly a fan of a colorful and international sort of day-core, has outfitted the room with wicker arm chairs, a leather sofa, multi-colored pillows and various knick knacks and paddy whacks that look to Your Mama like they were prolly bought at Pier 1 Imports rather than in Nepal or Tibet.

The chocolate wood floors–and the Pier 1 Imports day-core–extends into the unfortunately chandelier-less dining room painted a pale shade of melon. Some sort of tortoise or capiz shell chandelier would have worked wonders in here. Anyhoo, the dining room has a small bump out painted a rich shade raspberry that opens to the side yard through a pleasant wall of French doors framed by shiny–possibly silk, coppery-orange curtains. Listen chickens, although Your Mama does not care for Mister Simmon’s decorative tastes and while we do l.o.v.e. the color orange, we feel very la-dee-dah-meh about the melon color. None the less, credit where credit is due, we do appreciate how Mister Simmons–or his nice gay decorator or his paint specialist or whomever–used darkening shades of color to entice and draw the eyeball from the front of the house towards the back even if we’r! e not loving the actual colors.

A wide set of French doors opens from the dining room into the family room/kitchen/breakfast room which is all hexagonal Mexican tile on the floor and multi-paned windows on the back wall that open through more French doors onto the rear terrace. The kitchen has honey colored cabinetry, a big ol‘ sky light and all the blah blah blah of a well equipped kitchen even if the stainless steel appliances are not as industrial grade as we might prefer in one point four million dollar crib. The children will note that it appears that someone cheaped-out on the kitchen counter tops which appear to be granite tiles instead of granite slabs. Listen babies, Your Mama knows that everyone has a budget and not everyone’s budget extends to the latest, greatest and most expensive materials. However, trust Your Mama when we tell you that granite tiles are a strict no-no. Granite tile counter tops are what Home Despot addicted landlords install in the ki! tchens of their crappy rentals when they are trying to fool a prospective tenant into thinking a house or apartment is high end when it is really middle-brow.

The home’s three bedrooms include a master with a walk-in closet, a private pooper with a steam shower–which we love even if it’s not a pretty steam shower, wall to wall deep shag carpeting–Oh, come on! No! Pleeze.–and a set of French doors that open to the rear terrace where there is a sunken spa surrounded by foliage. This is, obviously, the perfect spot for anyone who sees sitting in hot bubbling water as foreplay. The terrace leads down to a another larger terrace surrounded by towering and privacy making bamboo. Somewhere on the property that looks like it might be in some sort of basement, Mister Simmons has installed a home gym with rubber matting, a rack of free weights and a treadmill. Your Mama doesn’t care for home gyms but it ain’t easy looking all rock solid the way Mister Simmons does so it makes perfect sense he’d have a set up like this at home.

Mister Simmons home is well situated for easy access to the Sunset Strip, Hollywood, West Hollywood, the studios in Burbank and, one of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter’s favorite places in L.A., Runyon Canyon where pooches of all sizes and breeds are allowed to run free and sniff each others booties. Your Mama hasn’t a clue where Mister Simmons will be headed next, but wherever it may be we wish him a happy home free of granite tile and super shag carpeting.